Birds

In Search of a City

Euelpides

Isn’t it terrible that just when we’re ready and eager to go to the buzzards, we can’t find the way? You see, gentlemen of the audience, we’re sick with the opposite of Sacas’ sickness: he’s a non-citizen trying to force his way in, while we, being of good standing in tribe and clan, solid citizens, with no one trying to shoo us away, have up and left our country with both feet flying. Not that we hate that city per se, as if it weren’t essentially great and blest and open to everybody to come and watch their wealth fly away in fines. No, it’s that the cicadas chirp on their boughs for only a month or two, whereas the Athenians harp on their lawsuits their whole lives long. That’s why we’re trekking this trek, and wandering with basket, kettle, and myrtle boughs in search of a peaceable place, where we can settle down and pass our lives. Our mission now is to visit Tereus the Hoopoe; we need to learn from him if anywhere on his flights he’s seen that sort of city.

Tereus

Well then, what kind of city would you most like to live in?

Peisetaerus

One where my worst troubles would be like this: a friend appears at my door one morning and says, “In the name of Zeus on Olympus, make sure that you and your kids wash up and be at my place bright and early; I’m giving a wedding feast. Now don’t let me down, otherwise you needn’t visit me when I’m in trouble!”

Tereus

My word, it’s miserable troubles you long for! And what about you?

Euelpides

A city where a blooming boy’s father would bump into me and complain in this fashion as if wronged: “A fine way you treat my son, Mr. Smoothy! You met him leaving the gymnasium and his bath, and you didn’t kiss him, didn’t chat him up, didn’t hug him, didn’t fondle his balls — and you my old family friend!”

Tereus

Poor thing, what troubles you long for!

Tereus But what kind of city could mere birds found?

Peisetaerus Really, what an utterly doltish remark! Look down.

Tereus Very well.

Peisetaerus Now look up.

Tereus I’m looking.

Peisetaerus Turn your head around.

Tereus Yes, it would really do me good to sprain my neck!

Peisetaerus Did you see anything?

Tereus I saw the clouds and sky.

Peisetaerus Well then, surely that’s the birds’ site?

Tereus Site? In what sense?

Peisetaerus Their place, you might say. It’s a place to visit, and where everything makes transit, so it’s now called merely a site. But as soon as you settle and fortify it, this site will instead be called a city. And then you’ll rule over humans as you do over locusts; and as for the gods, you’ll destroy them by Melian famine.

Song and Ambush

Peisetaerus

Dearest of birds, don’t just stand there; please, I implore you, step into the thicket as quick as you can and wake up the nightingale!

Tereus

Come, my songmate, leave your sleep, and loosen the strains of sacred songs, that from your divine lips bewail deeply mourned Itys, your child and mine, trilling forth fluid melodies from your vibrant throat. Pure the sound that ascends through green-tressed bryony to Zeus’ abode, where gold-tressed Phoebus listens to your songs of grief and, strumming in response his ivoried lyre, stirs the gods to their dance; and from deathless lips arises in harmonious accord the divine refrain of the Blest.

Chorus

Hi ho! Forward march, launch a hostile bloody charge, from all sides put wings to them and surround them! For both these two must howl and furnish fodder for my beak. For there’s no dusky mountain, no lofty cloud, no leaden sea to receive this pair in flight from me.

Chorus Leader

Now without further ado let’s pluck and peck these two. Where’s the lieutenant? Have him bring up the right wing.

Euelpides

This is it! Poor goner, where can I hide?

Once Were Kings

Peisetaerus So sorrowful am I on your account, who once were kings—

Chorus Leader Us kings? Of what?

Peisetaerus Yes you, kings of all that exists — starting with yours truly and including Zeus himself — and born a long time before Cronus, and the Titans, and even Earth.

Chorus Leader Even Earth?

Peisetaerus I swear by Apollo.

Peisetaerus

But the most impressive proof of all is that Zeus, the current king, stands there with an eagle on his head as an emblem of his royalty, as does his daughter with an owl, and Apollo, being a servant, with a hawk.

Chorus Leader

By Demeter, that’s right — but why have they got them?

Peisetaerus

So that when someone makes a sacrifice and puts the innards into the god’s hand, as the custom goes, the birds themselves can grab the innards before Zeus can! And in those days not a soul would swear by a god; they all swore by birds. Even today Lampon swears “by Goose” when he’s up to something crooked. That’s how high and holy everyone deemed you then; but now you’re mere knaves, simpletons, tomfools! These days they pelt you like lunatics; and even in the temples every bird hunter’s out to get you, setting nooses, snares, limed twigs, toils, meshes, nets, decoys in traps. And when they’ve caught you they sell you wholesale, and the customers feel you up. And if they do buy you, they’re not content to have you roasted and served up; no, they grate on cheese, oil, silphium, vinegar, and they whip up a second sauce, sweet and shiny, and baste it on hot, where you’re hot yourselves, like meat from carcasses!

Chorus

Very harrowing, yes very, is the tale you’ve brought us, human. It made me weep at my fathers’ baseness, who in my own time have wrecked these privileges of mine that my forebears bequeathed to them. But now you’re here, by the grace of god or some happy chance, to be my savior. So shall I live, entrusting to you my nestlings and myself.

Chorus Leader

Now it’s up to you to instruct us what we should do, because our life won’t be worth living unless at all costs we recover our sovereignty.

Peisetaerus

Very well then, my first instruction is this: make a single city of birds; then encircle the whole atmosphere, all the area between earth and sky, with a wall of big baked bricks, like Babylon.

Chorus Leader

Cebriones and Porphyrion, what a redoubtable citadel!

Peisetaerus

And when that’s up and ready, reclaim your rulership from Zeus; and if he refuses, and isn’t willing, and doesn’t give up at once, declare a holy war against him, and deny the gods the right to travel through your territory with erections, the way they used to descend for adultery with their Alcmenes and Alopes and Semeles.

Older Than the Gods

Chorus

Ah darling warbler, ah, dearest of birds, songmate of all my hymns, my nightingale companion, you’re here, you’re here, you’re manifest, bringing sweet sound to me. Now, weaver of springtime tunes on the fair-toned pipes, lead off our anapests.

Chorus Leader

In the beginning were Chaos and Night and black Erebus and broad Tartarus, and no Earth, Air, or Sky. And in the boundless bosom of Erebus did black-winged Night at the very start bring forth a wind egg, from which as the seasons revolved came forth Eros the seductive, like to swift whirlwinds, his back aglitter with wings of gold. And mating by night with winged Chaos in broad Tartarus, he hatched our own race and first brought it up to daylight. There was no race of immortal gods before Eros commingled everything; then as this commingled with that, Sky came to be, and Ocean and Earth, and the whole imperishable race of blessed gods. Thus we’re far older than all the blessed gods, and it’s abundantly clear that we’re the offspring of Eros: we fly, and we keep company with lovers. Many are the fair boys who swore they wouldn’t, and almost made it to the end of their eligible bloom, but thanks to our power men in love did get between their thighs, one with the gift of a quail, another with a porphyrion, a goose, or a Persian bird. And mortals get all their greatest blessings from us birds. … Well then, if you treat us as gods you’ll have the benefit of prophets, muses, breezes, seasons — winter, mild summer, stifling heat. And we won’t run off and sit up there preening among the clouds, like Zeus, but ever at hand we’ll bestow on you, your children, and your children’s children healthy wealthiness, happiness, prosperity, peace, youth, hilarity, dances, festivities, and birds’ milk. Why, you’re liable to knock yourself out from good living, that’s how rich you’ll all be!

Peisetaerus First, we should give our city a name, something grand and notable; and then sacrifice to the gods. … Then what name will we give it?

Chorus Leader A name suggesting all this, the clouds and the aerial spaces; something very highfalutin.

Peisetaerus How about Cloudcuckooland?

Chorus Leader Yes, yes! You’ve found an absolutely great and wonderful name!

Chorus

To me, the omniscient and omnipotent, shall all mortals now sacrifice with pious prayers. For I keep watch over all the earth, and keep safe the blooming crops by slaying the brood of all species of critters, who with omnivorous jaws devour all that in soil sprouts from the pod and the fruit of the trees where they perch; and I slay those who spoil fragrant gardens with defilements most offensive; and upon creepers and biters every one from the force of my wing comes murderous destruction.

Chorus

Happy the race of feathered birds, who in the winter need wear no woolen cloaks; nor in the summer’s stifling heat do the long rays roast us. For I dwell among the flora in the lap of the flowery meadows, when the sun-crazy cicada with voice divine in the noonday heat intones his keen song; and I winter in hollow caverns, frolicking with mountain nymphs; and in spring we graze on myrtle berries, maidenly in their white florets, and the fruits of the Graces’ garden.

Birds and Birds Alone

First Messenger Your wall is all built.

Peisetaerus Good news!

First Messenger A very fine and impressive achievement; it’s so wide on top, Proxenides of Braggarton and Theogenes could hitch two chariots to horses the size of the wooden one, and pass each other head-on!

Peisetaerus Heracles!

First Messenger And as for its height — and I measured it myself — it’s a hundred fathoms.

Peisetaerus Poseidon, that’s high! Who built it so tall?

First Messenger Birds and birds alone, with no Egyptian brickbearer in sight, no mason, no carpenter, all with their own hands, an amazing sight to see. From Libya there came some thirty thousand cranes, who’d swallowed stones for the foundations, and these the corncrakes blocked with their bills, while another ten thousand storks made bricks, and the curlews with their fellow river birds brought water up to the sky.

Peisetaerus And who brought clay for them?

First Messenger Herons, in hods.

Peisetaerus And how did they get the clay into the hods?

First Messenger That, my friend, was sheer genius: the geese dug their feet into it like shovels, and scooped it right into the herons’ hods.

Peisetaerus I guess nothing’s impossible if you put your feet to it!

First Messenger And by god there were the ducks, wearing belts and laying the bricks; and up flew the swallows with the trowel at their rear, like kiddies, and plaster in their mouths.

Peisetaerus Then why go on hiring workmen? Let’s see, what else? Who did the woodwork for the wall?

First Messenger The carpenter birds, very skilled, were woodpeckers, who pecked out the gates with their beaks; the din of their pecking was just like a shipyard! And now all those gateways are gated and bolted and surrounded by guards, patrolled by bell ringers; everywhere sentries are in place, with signal fires on the towers. As for me, I’m off to have a bath; see to the rest yourself.

Prometheus’ Parasol

Prometheus Be quiet, don’t mention my name. You’ll be the death of me if Zeus sees me here. Look, I’m going to tell you everything that’s going on up there, so take this parasol and hold it over me, so the gods above won’t see me.

Peisetaerus Aha! That was good thinking, positively Promethean. Quick, get under here, and speak freely.

Prometheus Then listen to this.

Peisetaerus Go on, I’m listening.

Prometheus Zeus is finished!

Peisetaerus And approximately when was he finished?

Prometheus From the very moment you colonized the air. Now not a single human sacrifices to the gods any more, and since then not a whiff of thigh bones has wafted up to us; now, without burnt offerings we’re as good as fasting at the Thesmophoria. And the barbarian gods are so hungry they’re shrieking like Illyrians and threatening to march down against Zeus unless he gets the trading posts reopened so they can import their ration of innards.

Prometheus But I’ll tell you one thing for sure: ambassadors will be coming here about a settlement, from Zeus and the Triballians up-country. But don’t you ratify a treaty unless Zeus returns his scepter to the birds and gives you Princess for your bride.

Peisetaerus Who’s this Princess?

Prometheus A most beautiful maiden, who looks after Zeus’ thunderbolt and everything else too: good counsel, law and order, decency, shipyards, mudslinging, paymasters, three-obol fees.

Peisetaerus You mean she looks after everything for him?

Prometheus That’s right: win her from him and you’ll have it all. That’s why I came here, to let you in on this. I’ve always been a friend to humanity.

A Committee of Three Gods

Peisetaerus Someone hand me the cheese grater. Pass the silphium. Someone get the cheese. Poke up these coals.

Poseidon We bid the gentleman greetings, a committee of three gods.

Peisetaerus Wait, I’m grating silphium on this.

Heracles And what sort of meat is that?

Peisetaerus Some birds who’ve been convicted of attempted rebellion against the bird democracy.

Heracles So that’s why you’re grating silphium on them first?

Peisetaerus Oh, hello, Heracles. What’s up?

Poseidon We come as ambassadors from the gods to discuss an end to the war.

Peisetaerus There’s no oil in the bottle.

Heracles And bird meat should be glistening with it.

Poseidon For we gods are gaining nothing by the war; while for your part, friendly relations with the gods would win you rainwater for your puddles and halcyon days to enjoy year round. On all these issues we are authorized to ratify an agreement.

Peisetaerus But it was never our side that initiated hostilities against you, and we are now ready to ratify a treaty, if you like, as long as you’re ready even at this late hour to do what’s right. And what’s right amounts to this: Zeus returns the scepter back to us birds. If we can reach an agreement on these terms, I invite the embassy to lunch.

Heracles That’s good enough for me; I vote aye.

Poseidon What what, you damned fool? You’re an idiotic greedy-guts.

A Bastard’s Portion

Heracles Man alive, Poseidon, what’s your rush? Over a single woman we’re out to fight a war?

Poseidon Well, what can we do?

Heracles Why, we settle.

Poseidon What, you chump? Don’t you realize that you’ve been getting duped all along? What’s more, you’re harming yourself. Look, if Zeus surrenders his rule to these birds, you’ll be left a pauper when he dies, because you now stand to get the whole estate that he leaves behind at his death.

Peisetaerus Good grief, how he’s trying to fast-talk you! Come aside here, I want a word with you. Your uncle’s out to cheat you, poor fellow. Of your father’s estate you don’t get a single penny; that’s the law. You see, you’re a bastard, illegitimate.

Heracles Me, a bastard? What are you talking about?

Peisetaerus That’s exactly what you are, your mother being an alien. Why else do you think that Athena as a daughter could be called The Heiress, if she had legitimate brothers?

Heracles But couldn’t my father at his death still leave me his property as a bastard’s portion?

Peisetaerus The law won’t let him. Poseidon here, who’s now getting your hopes up, will be the first to dispute your claim to your father’s property, declaring himself the legitimate brother. I’ll even quote you the law of Solon: “A bastard shall not qualify as next of kin, if there are legitimate children; if there are no legitimate children, the next of kin shall share the property.”

Heracles We’ve decided to agree to all your proposals. Now come with us to heaven yourself, and there get Princess and everything else.

Peisetaerus Then birds have been cut up just in time for my wedding!

Heracles And if you like, I’ll stay behind here in the meantime, and roast the meat; you go on ahead.

Poseidon You? Roast meat? An orgy of gobbling, you mean. Better come with us.

Heracles My, I would have liked that job.

Peisetaerus Now someone fetch me a wedding jacket!

Highest of Divinities

Chorus

Get back! Divide! Form up! Make room! Fly by the man blest with blest luck! My oh my, her youth, her beauty! What a blessing for this city is the marriage you have made!

Chorus Leader

Great, great is the luck that embraces the race of birds thanks to this man; now with wedding and bridal songs please welcome Himself and His Princess!

Chorus Leader

Come then, celebrate too his earth-shaking thunders and the fiery lightnings of Zeus and the awesome fulgent thunderbolt.

Chorus

Great golden glare of lightning! Zeus’ immortal fire-bearing shaft! Thunders rumbling heavily in the ground and also bringing rain! With you this man now shakes the earth, new master of Zeus’ estate and of Princess, attendant of Zeus’ throne. Hymen Hymenaeus!

Chorus Leader

Follow now the wedding party, all you winged tribes of fellow songsters, to Zeus’ yard and to the bridal bower.

Peisetaerus

Hold out your hand, my happy one, and holding to my wings join me for a dance; I’ll lift you up and swing you!

Chorus

Hip hip hooray! Hail Paeon! Hail your success, you highest of divinities!